If you’ve been in a marriage, had children and one of you more or less stays home with children, the other being the main breadwinner, then you may well have had the age old “who’s got the harder life” argument. You know how it goes. The breadwinner, feeling grumpy as they traipse off to work on a Monday morning, pointedly asks what you are doing with your day and the SAHS (Stay at Home Spouse) defensively lists the domestic chores: cooking, cleaning, washing, food shopping and a bit of slugging it out in the traffic on the school and activity run. There are no winners in this game. Volumes have been written and endless hours of debate and discussion haven’t resolved whether having to show up to work 5 days a week for seemingly longer hours every year is a harder grind than the sometimes tedious, repetitive and often thankless role the SAHS plays as a support person to family and home life.
This is not intended to add fuel to the fire of this debate but rather to encourage those of us who are NOT in the role of the main breadwinner to spare a thought for the provider in our lives. If you don’t have one, then you may well be the main provider so then, spare a thought for yourselves!
Being the provider incurs a large sense of “the buck stops here” burden. It costs a large amount of money to run a modern family, it’s highly competitive in the job market and when you do have a job the pressure to keep performing is always there. Payrises, office politics, and business travel that’s not nearly as glamorous as it sounds can wear your enthusiasm down for having the career that you always wanted. Freedom from deadlines and calendar scheduling can feel very enticing to the person in a 9 to 5 routine.
Sometimes, providers manage their anxiety at being the one responsible for bringing home the bacon 24/7 with what appears to be controlling behaviour. Maintaining a watchful eye on the SAHS’s purchases despite feeling free to spend themselves because of a sense that it’s “their” money can result in subtle power games that can be detrimental to the relationship as a whole.
We are not minimising the vital role of the SAHS. That too has it’s challenges (don’t we know them!) but today let’s give our attention and yes, empathy to our provider. Because empathy is the way out of delicate disputes over who has the mantle of hardest done by. A spontaneous big hug and a kind word of recognition of the great job they are doing in keeping the money flowing in can go along way to smoothing the furrowed anxious brow of your breadwinner.
Having sat on both sides of the fence I can appreciate both perspectives but at the moment with bills rising constantly, Christmas on the way and the children reaching an age where they put their hands out for $30 every time they go the movies (and there are 3 of them!) I find myself on occasion wanting to lie down on the floor and throw a massive tantrum when mild panic over money ensues. Instead I have decided to give myself a big hug and pat on the back for the job I have been doing. No mean feat in this day and age.
So, I urge you to do the same for the provider in your life. If, like me, it’s you who shoulders the responsibility and there is no one to supply the necessary physical embrace, be kind to yourself today! Remember…wisewomen appreciate!
How you feel about your provider?
No comments:
Post a Comment