Love me, love me not

My 14 year old asked me yesterday what a misogynist was. My answer both intrigued and confused him. How can a whole gender be hated? By whom? Well my response was of course, mainly men (though you’d do well to wonder if that’s really true, what with the backstabbing we sometimes see among the “fairer” sex). Next question: but how can they? Don’t they too have mums and sisters and daughters? At this stage I’d have to refer the question to someone more qualified in behavioural psychology than myself, as the cause of that particular mental state is plainly beyond my realm of expertise.

However what surprises me is how prolific this mental condition is, and often present in the most unlikely of people. Not complete aversion, but rather an intense loathing of women attaining positions of influence and power.

Take people’s reactions to Julia Gillard. I am amazed at how vitriolic and unashamedly hypercritical so many men, and some women, are of her. I’m not talking about her politics or policies, but her voice, accent, hair, dress and general demeanour. Even her earlobes don’t escape comment. The intense hatred of these aspects of her (what else is it but her femininity?) appalls me. You rarely hear male politicians being discussed in this manner. To me it smacks of a sinister misogyny that seems to fester beneath the surface of many a benign male who otherwise pays lip service to the equality of women.

Test question: what is the equivalent of the word, misogyny, for men? Does it even exist? Well it does, I looked it up – misandry. Ever heard of it? No, me neither. It does not form part of everyday discourse. I know some women probably do dislike the entire male gender, more likely as a result of sexual abuse or exploitation than any other reason. But many continue to love and nurture the males of their family and close friends despite experiencing horrifying incidents at the hands of the male gender.

We long for the day when we are all celebrated for who we are and what we can contribute to those around us, rather than judged and sentenced as a result of our sexual characteristics. With any luck when my son grows to adulthood, he will live in a world closer to this ideal. Here’s hoping.

Closure

So, as Nicky said last week we did a radio show with Deb Cameron on 702 a few weeks ago. What she neglected to mention was that we made what we termed a "strategic blunder". We decided that no matter what Nicky would answer the first question, which we duly prepared for. All good so far. When Deb said, "So Jill, how do the financial lives of women differ from men and when is this likely to become apparent" my heart sank. Strategic blunder or no, I went blank and muffed it. It wasn’t a disaster but nor was it my finest moment.

Aside from the effect on my ego, after a few short weeks I have decided the experience is perfect fodder to foster the lost art of laughing at oneself. Still, I am really annoyed that I didn't just answer the bloody question. I keep running through the ideal response in my head. Nicky and I have had discussions on these issues for the last 2 years so I know my opinions on the subject!

Anyhow, I realised I have the ideal outlet for closure for this. What better way to send my answer out to the universe and move on, than my own personal soapbox - our blog?

So grant me my indulgence on this one! Here is what I should have said that morning and it really goes to the heart of wisewomen’s philosophy…

Women, I feel, have inherently different driving forces from men, driven partly by genetics and partly by social conditioning of the last few thousand years or so. When we have a child, something shifts inside many of us. Everything seems to fade into the background as we learn the art of nurturing the tiny being we have brought into the world. Add another child or more to the mix and it makes sense and is sometimes a relief to loosen the reins of our involvement in the family’s finances. Subtle power shifts occur when this dynamic comes into play that is difficult to perceive at the time. When everything is peachy, it seems perfectly normal and “right”.

Life has a funny way of throwing us curve balls, however, in the form of death, divorce or disablement that can quickly highlight how vulnerable women can be when they hand over the responsibility for their money. This is not meant at all to be a man bash. Things will never change if we continue to see ourselves as having being dealt the short straw in the gender stakes rather than acknowledging the choices and decisions we make along the way. Men have equal but different pressures on them around the need to provide and be successful in the eyes of the world. Learning to empathise with each other’s point of view is the way towards resolution of conflict and it is no different here.

The message is that nobody, men or women, should outsource their involvement with their finances. You wouldn’t expect someone to hold your hand with your health and nor should you with your money. We need to take ownership of what is happening and the decisions and choices that are made around spending, saving and investing our money. It certainly means less recriminations and remorse later on down the track if things do come unstuck.

I could go on longer but the nature of blogging is to be relatively short and sweet. And yes, I am feeling better and ready to tackle the next radio interview if the opportunity arises.

I am learning more and more as the years slip by that closure, as psychobabbly as it sounds, is a good thing. The quicker the better, too! Wasting time or agonizing on what could or should have happened is a surefire route to unhappiness. If you read this blog and are stuck on something of your own my wish for you today is…closure.

Baby and Bathwater - the Price of Self-reliance

How important is earning capacity to a woman? Is it safe to depend on a husband? These were questions posed to Jill and I in a recent radio interview. Wow, very loaded. Of course it isn’t safe to depend on your husband, when you look at the divorce statistics. It’s decidedly unsafe and rather foolish when you observe the aftermath of the divorced women who have not maintained their earning capacity. Confidence destroyed, life shattered, lifestyle severely curtailed, it’s easy to draw conclusions. Or is it?

What are we asking for? That women remain ever vigilant, rejecting the traditional roles in their marriages, living out every day the caution of their pre-nup caveat: Cater for the Worst? Ok then, ditch the delegation of duties, the teamwork - both partners need to be ready and expectant in case of marriage break-up. But, realistically, do men have to step up? Let’s face it, the cost of the breadwinner being out of touch with his home environment is not that high. It’s relatively easy to learn the ropes when it comes to the home routine. Don’t know the nuances of your children’s likes and dislikes? Just ask them. The homework schedule? Maybe take a couple of weeks. The social ins and outs of your local school? Work it out. What about the homemaker…can’t earn your keep? Yikes.

Working mums know the drill - each day attempting to fulfill expectations at work, as well as meeting the various and numerous needs of their families, and experiencing the frustration and disappointment of the inevitable shortfall in one, or both, roles. Many women tread this daily tightrope and subject themselves to continual exhaustion for a monetary reward sufficient only to meet exorbitant childcare fees. And of course as priorities go it’s us who fall to the bottom of the list. No exercise or time out for working mums.

Gone too the idyllic scenes of motherhood – being there when the children get home from school, dispensing words of comfort and home cooking, lazy days and holidays. Replaced with the whirlwind of after school care and holiday camps, snippets of mum. Repeating to ourselves the mantra of “Quality not Quantity”, when in reality, both suffer.

This is the price we have to pay to nurture our earning capacity. We have to grin and bear it, the risk is just too great, the fall out too severe being left in the cold. We need to take ownership of our keep.

It’s one thing society condoning escape from an unhappy marriage. But I really think we’ve thrown the baby out with the bathwater on this one. And, once more, it’s women and children who pay the highest price.

True Courage

A war is being waged inside my head. A battle of emotions, at the very least. Let me introduce you to my dilemma. I am holidaying in Queenstown, the home of adrenalin rush filled activities in the southern hemisphere whose number and diversity will take too long to detail in a single blog. My particular Achilles heel is a monstrosity called the canyon swing.

Suspended above a rocky canyon, strapped to a harness, one must take a leap of faith and hurl oneself off the ledge and ride the 200m arc of terror which includes a nausea inducing 80 metre free fall. You see I want to leave this holiday having done it. I had made a half promise to myself before arriving that it was on my radar to tick off my bucket list. I know I will be filled with satisfaction at overcoming my fear and bringing the video and pictures home to the children to prove it. I have a relative level of comfort that I will survive it intact given the accident free history of this ride (come on, what are the odds?). It's just the damn anticipation and jumping off that's standing in my way.

I have thought a lot about the nature of fear in the last few years. And bravery. What it means and whom I think has demonstrated these qualities. And I have come to the conclusion that it's not the adrenalin junkies that flock to these parts to test themselves bungying and swinging and skydiving against the backdrop of the jaw-droppingly beautiful mountains of Queenstown.

It's the everyday endurance and strength that I have heard about and witnessed in people who bear the unbearable that I have a sense of true respect for. Living with the loss of a child or caring for a sick child who may or may not recover is the stuff of most parent's nightmares. I have come to know a few of these heroes over the last few years.

My sister and brother-in-law live this every day having lost their 10-year-old son just over 3 years ago. It’s so hard to watch them struggle to come to terms with the cards they have been dealt. They both amaze me with their capacity to love. Despite their sadness, or perhaps because of it, they value special family moments more than ever. My sister still asks me about my love life, my brother-in-law is someone I know I can turn to for advice and a supportive ear and they both show their love and affection for my children when we visit them in Perth. Let alone the time and love they give to their own children who have also lost a brother and must learn to live with loss at an early age.

As Mother’s Day passes for another year, we, as parents, know that with the intense joy that comes with parenting, comes too the capacity for immense pain. And embarking on that journey takes real courage.

So the canyon swing, in all its terrifying glory, awaits me. Will I have what it takes when the moment to jump arrives? Watch this space!

The Paradox of Thrift

We make it, spend it, and have it. We waste it, save it and invest it. I often wonder why we use the same words to describe our actions around the twin enablers of time and money. Despite the similarities there is such a glaring distinction - time is not replenishable, and we don’t know when it’ll run out. As for money? Well that’s something we have control over – if we choose to.

Counter-intuitively it often requires spending or investing money to make it. Investing is not just reserved for monetary assets like shares and property. We also invest in ourselves - human capital. Just like when we invest time in our family and friends and the pay-off is closer, happier relationships, investing money in human capital gives a reward. But here I want to talk about investing in ourselves to generate a more measurable return, like when we invest in monetary assets. About how it can translate into dollars.

And this is where there can be a problem with the shift to thrift – the bunkering down to minimalism. While I’m absolutely in agreement with proactive choices on where we spend our money and not wasting it, in controlling our expenditure, in having discipline and budgeting, there is an unforeseen flip side if we go to the extreme - we can end up by suffocating our golden-egg-laying goose!

In our personal income and expense equation, we shouldn’t focus purely on quelling the expense side to increase our net profits. Control our spending, yes. But don’t forget our influence on the income side. Just as we can reduce expenses we can increase income. And we need to understand how we risk negatively impacting our generation of cash flow if we hold off investing in ourselves.

So how can spending become investing? Where should we be spending it? There are three main areas that can make all the difference.

Firstly, our brains - education. Acquiring new qualifications or rehoning our skills may be our best entrée into a new vocation if we have a career hiatus or have hit a glass ceiling. Yes it requires a leap of faith to back ourselves when we have reached a dead end, or are re-entering the work force after a break for childrearing. Make sure you do adequate research on the opportunities that are likely to become available from your new qualifications. The leap may well be worth it in the long term.

Secondly, our brawn - we need to look and feel a million dollars when we are aiming for the big time. Time to invest in a gym membership or yoga class. And forget the scuffed shoes, the ingrown toenails and the overdue highlights - impeccable grooming is paramount to creating the right impression and to nail that dream job. The confidence generated from your investment in a fabulous suit or haircut can often be the x-factor that sets you apart from the rest in a hotly contested job interview.

And thirdly, the home front - investing in domestic help and childcare is vital to free us up to take advantage of job opportunities. How can we focus on climbing the ladder when we’re chained to our ironing boards or locked into getting kids home for their nap-time? We can’t and, more importantly don’t want to, replace our parenting, but many humdrum activities can be outsourced with little impact on the quality of our home environment.

This investing is in the quest to elevate ourselves to the next level and to liberate us to explore new opportunities. It is about believing in ourselves and our ability to create an economically viable asset in our future earning capability. So even though it may sound contradictory, let’s spend so we can save, invest so we can make.