What Should I Tell My Daughters?

Help me with this? My 2 daughters aged 11 and 13 are turning into young women. They are reaching the age when you start discussing futures, dreams and goals for the future. They both want to be mothers. No surprises there. They want to do other things too, but of course they talk of babies and marriage. Spurred on by Nicky’s contribution last week about what professions support women who wish to continue their careers after having children, I have put fingers to keyboard to get down my thoughts on a topic close to my heart.

My conundrum exists because from where I sit at 43, having been through a divorce and re-entered the workforce after a long absence, my perspective (and reality) has changed from the young woman I was when I married at 24.

I have friends whose parents separated when they were younger, who tell some pretty eye opening stories about their mothers repeatedly giving them the message that they should always have independence/their own money/a run away fund in case things fall apart. (Contrast this with my mother’s advice when my children were tiny and I was tearing my hair out, that as long as I had a hot meal on the table for my family things would be all right. God bless my dear departed Mum whom I loved beyond reason, but she really was a dinosaur).

My mind hesitates in sending this message of self-preservation and caution too harshly and overly often. My girls should be allowed to make their own decisions and learn things for themselves rather than being influenced by what has transpired in my life. And yet…I AM their mother and my job description says provide guidance (it does, really, didn’t you read that in the fine print in the contract you signed as they wheeled you out of the delivery room??). Even if it is a sliver of a message about retaining a sense of self when your life seems to be all about your children and husband, isn’t it important to use my hard earned wisdom to help them in their lives? I know the difference it makes in your life (and not just financially) when you balance all the competing demands in your life with having a job to go to/study to undertake/home business to start – whatever it is that can be “your” thing.

Overriding this, let’s face it; are they really going to listen to me at this point? Somehow I can’t quite see them saying, yes, Mum, I will always keep a hand in my career, spend and save wisely, have my own bank account and money separate from my husband and be conversant in all details pertaining to my joint finances. Methinks not. Heavens above, they both still love Sleeping Beauty – who am I kidding?

I am far from a card carrying feminist but I want my daughters to carry a more realistic view of what may happen in their lives. I want them to agitate for changes in the workplace to allow greater participation by women, I want them to “have it all” – love, marriage, career, babies, and be able to face the inevitable ups and downs of life with a degree of equanimity knowing they can always look after themselves (and their children). I want them to know the joy of personal achievement.

So I opened with a plea for your help. What message (if any) would you give your daughters about marriage, money, children and career? Don’t be shy…we would love to hear your opinions.