In my opinion the most gut wrenching part of divorce is sharing custody of your children. Don’t get me wrong; it’s not that spending time with both parents is bad for children (quite the opposite really) it’s the dawning realisation that some part of your children’s lives is spent without you overseeing it.
Whether or not the separation is your choosing or not, a chunk of your children’s time is not with you. You miss a holiday to a new place, a shared joke, a new memory. After 7 years, although it has dulled a little, I still feel a twist in my heart when I kiss my babies goodbye. I say babies with a wry smile as my eldest is a 6ft 5, sixteen and a half year old but come on, they’re always your babies. I’m pretty sure my ex probably has moments like this, too. It becomes part of the acceptance of your new world order. You play the cards you’re dealt (clichéd but true) and sometimes-even relish in a little breathing space and “me” time.
What distresses me is hearing about horrific custody battles over children and the damage it does to both parties involved and eventually the children. I am going out on a limb here but sometimes the worst offenders in these battles are women. I’m guessing from feeling a lack of control over the situation the lows to which some will stoop to justify their behaviour is abhorrent. Over the years I have met quite a few men who have related some pretty dire situations. Big caveat ahead – yes I know there are lots of deadbeat Dads out there who seem to display little interest in their children or shirk child maintenance. Yes I know there is two sides to a story etc. etc.
But sometimes one of the two sides just doesn’t play fair. Hell hath no fury and all that. One man I knew made sure he always had a pair of shorts by his bed so that if his daughter crawled in next to him he would hurriedly put them on, in case innocent remarks about Daddy being naked with his young child were used against him. I am not minimising at all the horror of child molestation here but I found it really sad that is what went through this father’s brain.
The vast majority of men I know love their children and want to be in their lives and play a part in raising them. And believe it or not can learn to cook, clean, wash, monitor homework, foster emotional development as well as any woman. Sometimes we just have to stand back and let them do it. Their way.
Of course, sometimes the fight is necessary. There are instances when it is better off for a child to have limited contact with a parent and court is the only way to provide guidance. Drug and alcohol abuse by a parent, violence, abuse – verbal and mental spring to mind as good reasons. But in most cases this is in the minority. Pushing people to their limits with baseless unstable accusations and then expecting them to take it on the chin or prove their worthiness as a parent are low-ball manoeuvres. In the he said-she said world of family law it’s tricky for judges to get it right all the time.
At the end of the day you don’t OWN your children. For better or worse (and don’t those words get said with new irony in the wash up of marriage or relationship failure) your child carries both of your DNA equally. Children have a right to time with both parents. Period. Get over yourself, act like an adult, book a mediation room and work out a reasonable solution. And shut your mouth about it in front of your child – it’s not something they need to hear about. One of the first lessons we teach our children is “share” and “play nicely”. If you’re not doing that yourself then you need to go back to kindergarten!
If I thought a female friend of mine was pushing the boundaries on reasonableness around access to his children I don’t have a problem with (tactfully) finding a way to tell this friend to pull their head in. And I’m pretty sure I would tell a male friend the same thing if he were not pulling his weight in the post-divorce fathering department.
With the Family Law Court an ineffectual monitor of what’s actually playing out in the battlefield of shared parenting a word in the ear from one of us might be enough of a wake up call for some. Unlikely, I know, in many cases. So often we hide behind the social nicety of keeping our noses out of people’s business that we stand by and view the slow train wreck of children watching their parents tear each other (and themselves) apart in the process.
Am I way off base here? Love to hear your thoughts.
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