Big changes afoot in my household over the
last 3 months. After 6 and ½ years of flying solo, I am now navigating the
unchartered waters (or airspace if I keep the flying analogy going) of blended
families with my partner Gour (sounds like sour as he compulsively tells people
on first meetings, me included). Before you flick off this page I promise you,
dear reader, I am not going to wax lyrical about the joys of love the second
time around and at midlife. My sister, Kate, known for her wit and ability to
call a spade a shovel, did say she was a little sick in her mouth when she read
a recent email of mine. Come on, SHE asked ME how I was going!
As I said earlier I have spent the best
part of the last 7 years being master of my own domain and destiny. I didn’t
have to wash anyone’s (apart from my children’s) shirts and undies. I didn’t
have to consult someone if I wanted to buy something (still don’t). I took
holidays where I wanted to go (translation – Bali, Hawaii and Disneyland –
outvoted 3 to 1 by Tom, Issy and Lily – duoh!).
Gour has also run a household
of 3 children for a similar amount of time. He’s cooked and shopped and washed
and schlepped the children around with the best of them. He had his routines
and a rhythm to his life as I did. Heavens, he was positively anal when it came
to hanging his washing out and don’t get me started on his man-ironing
techniques of which he is inordinately proud (that’s called shaking the clothes
out to the uninitiated).
Even still, after 3 short months, a new
equilibrium has been established. This new status quo has not seen Gour hitting
the start button on the washing machine since we moved in together. Oh sorry
hang on, he proudly announced on Sunday morning he was going to wash the linen
and hang it out (which he duly did). With the Olympics uppermost in my mind, the
classic “Let’s give the boy a medal” did spring to mind but oh no, I’ve come a
long way from that.
I gave Gour editing rights to this blog
because he knows I am taking the mickey out of him a little for the sake of
getting to the point of this blog. Yes I will get to a point, believe it or not.
A mature balanced view requires seeing things from all sides and taking into
account the entire picture.
Shacking up with an internet geek means I
never have to call Nerds on Site again and all screaming at the
computer/printer/internet has ceased. He puts together a mean Ikea bookcase and
takes Louis the cavoodle outside every night for his ablutions before bed
whilst shutting down the house for the night as I de-makeup and put rollers in
my hair. Ok, I do NOT put rollers in my hair but it was sounding all so Mike
and Carol Brady I just went with it. What I’m saying is there is a new rhythm
and we’re all (including the 6 lovely children between us) just getting used to
what that is.
With our working lives as they currently
are, I am doing more of the menial tasks, no question. The day in/day out grinding
stuff that often goes unnoticed and unappreciated. It’s a hot button for me
that in my second attempt at a committed relationship I do not fall into a bad
dynamic with this.
To be clear, menial does not equal less. A
household does run like a mini corporation and all the jobs and parts of the
“engine” that makes it operate have their role. If the person working more
outside the home on personal career endeavours starts to see himself or herself
as the more “important” part then you don’t have a relationship, you have a
power struggle. And if that attitude plays out on how one party is treated…well
you know how the downtrodden like a revolution to redress imbalance.
It’s about mutual respect and empathy
without which no relationship will survive. Or as I like to say to my children
and I’ve come to learn, we teach people how to treat us. I am not suggesting a
big scene every time someone doesn’t thank you for cooking dinner but a calm,
well meaning, “I’ve been to counselling and am trying to communicate better”
expression of - I feel disappointed when you blah blah blah. Then work on a
solution together.
Oh yes, I hear you chortle, it all sounds
so easy in black and white. Real life, not so much. I get I’m in the honeymoon
phase, but you know that wisdom I was talking about in last week’s blog that
has been kicking in over the last few years, that’s where this comes in.
Gour and I have both made all those
mistakes (and more) in our previous lives and relationships. Lucky us, we get
to make a whole new set of mistakes with each other this time round J. Respect for roles and appreciation for doing things for each other
won’t be one of them. There’s a great joy in giving and showing love for a
person through the small things. Often way more gratifying than expensive jewellery
or flashy gifts (though they’re nice, too).
So, to sum up, in these early days of Bradyville
and new equilibriums I just want to know one thing…Alice, where are you?
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